hello. meet Patrick.

Patrick McAllister, Photographer and Mental Health Advocate, opens up about how he entered the world of photography and the struggles he’s faced along the way.

You’ve now established yourself in the Philadelphia photography community.
Walk us through how you got there and where you saw yourself before that.

I started out taking photos on my phone and was like, ‘man I think I can hop into this.’ And then I got, my first camera, a Sony A 58, started shooting in July 2014…and I was terrible.

Did you know you were fully buying in the moment you bought your first camera or did you shy away?

When I bought my first camera, I kinda jumped in, was super excited, and thought I had everything down. Then I actually enrolled in the Art Institute… took 2 classes there… That’s all I took there was 2 classes. With those 2 classes I was like, maybe I’m not cut out to be a photographer.

What was the reason you didn’t think you were cut out for it?

We had this assignment where we had to go to the same spot—like sunrise, middle of the day, sunset—and my pictures were so bad that I was like ‘yo I can’t do this, like there’s no way.’ The colors weren’t there, sky looked terrible, like everything just looked bad. I actually remember talking to one of my friends, who is a chef, and he had said as soon as you start going to school for things it kind of strips the fun, and that’s where I was so I thought maybe I should just drop out. Just went crazy on Youtube, and regained that love that I had before I went to school.

You mention Youtube, is that where you learned the ins-and-outs of photography?
Was that your source of education?

I've put in so much time into education. I read photography books, documentaries, I spend hours and hours on Youtube. Even now, if you were to ask my friends ‘What's the first thing he does in the morning?’ I literally roll over in my bed and turn Youtube on. It’s always the first thing I do—like clockwork—I don't even think about it anymore. I just wake up and I look for the Roku remote, and type something in and it's like ‘alright this is what I’m learning today.’ So yeah, Youtube’s been the source for like everything. Books, mentors stuff like that, but mostly Youtube. I’m a junkie for education. All the time. I constantly gotta be learning something.

What direction was your life going before photography came into the picture?

So I kinda thought that school was ...the only way?...uh..I’m gonna say this now. I don’t tell many people this because it’s crazy…

I went to my mom and dad’s alma mater in North Carolina, and she pulled into the parking lot of my dorm and I literally was balling my eyes out and was like ‘Please, I do not want to go to college. I think I should do something else.’ She tells me, ‘Nah you just have jitters’. I balled my eyes out. She's like ‘Get out the car.’
So I got there. Hated school. Everything about it.

I didn’t really think it was for me, but didn't think there was another option because education is everything to my family.

‘I wanna do art, or go a different way, or like travel or do whatever,’ its like NO! that's not a sustainable life like you can’t do that, you need to go to school.

How did you have the conversation with yourself to either stick it through
or say “I’m not doing this?”

Uh, hatred for everything else? Clocking into a 9-5 was the worst thing EVER. I went to school for 3 years but I ended up dropping out in my junior year of college. I was like, ‘Yeah I can’t do this.’ So I started working at the bank. Worked at the bank for a while and thought, “Maybe I want to be a financial advisor?” Then I worked in mortgages and thought “Maybe I want to do this.” And then I went to insurance, and it was the greatest job ever. Worked from home whenever I wanted to, the benefits were crazy, everything was great. The one day I just said ‘Yo, I hate working.’ Ended up quitting my job randomly one day.

The culture of freedom to do what you wanted, you knew you wanted that lifestyle…

Yeah it’s like, it's just idk. I don’t hate authority. I dig authority. I think it's there to keep people safe, but in terms of somebody clocking what I do every day and asking if I’ve reached certain goals and telling me all of that, it just feels like really, it feels like bondage. I don't know.

So 3 years into college, how did you have that conversation with your mom you were leaving?

Ahhhh, she was um...she was pretty mad. Then she had this revelation where she said ‘That conversation we had in the car before you went to college. I should have listened to you.’ She says it all the time now. ‘I should have listened to you when you said you weren’t trying to go to college.’ I feel she thought it was my dad passing away when I was 17, so she thought it was me not wanting to leave her at home alone—my brothers were gone—I’m the youngest. She just thought I was scared and I was like ‘Nah, I just really don’t want to go to school.

So after a while, she said ‘You shouldn’t have went to school, you should have done some arts stuff.’ When I was working she called me one day and said ‘A day’s gonna come when you know you need to quit your job and take this leap into the creative world.’ I told her ’ok…’ And she says ‘Just promise me one thing.’ And I said ‘What’s that?’ She said ‘Don’t be scared when you get that urge to jump.’

Do you remember that moment?

That was the best day ever.

Walk us through that…

That was February 20th, 2018—a date I will remember forever. I was the only black man in my company and the only one without a college degree. The workload started building and my coworker told me all the time ‘Yo, you don’t need to be here. You need to quit your job and pursue the creative world.’ I used to tell her all the time, ‘YOU should quit. You’re the one who’s a creator. She's a writer and she's 50 some-years-old and she’s like ‘Nah, I can't pursue this now.’ So randomly one day she just leaves. Just says ‘I’m going to write.’ I'm just sitting there saying to myself ‘yoooo what are you doing?’

She leaves and she sends me a message on Instagram again says ‘Yo you need to quit. Go pursue your dreams.’ So I had a couple of crazy months at work. Things were busy. One day I woke up February 20th, I still remember this day, I woke up. I called my mom ‘Yo I feel that feeling. I think today is the day.’ She said ‘Cool just don't be scared, do what you gotta do, it’s all gonna work out.’ I’m thinking ‘Cool, I got this.’

So I sent my job an email ‘Effective immediately I won't be returning to work.’ I remember them emailing back ‘Are you serious? Today?’ And I’m like ‘Yeah today. I’m done.’ So I remember being on a super high. And then being like ‘wait, I don't have any clients. What am I gonna do?’

What was your biggest fear at that moment?

So you're on the happiness cloud where like ‘my life is free,’ but then you're like ‘wait, I still gotta pay bills.’ So like I think 2 months after I left my job my car got repoed so it was crazy. So it was just like money that was the biggest thing. Everybody kind of believed in it but it was kind of ‘okay, I see that you have this dream, but how do you make money? Like you have to make money. You still have bills, you can’t just ask people to bail you out all the time.’ So it’s like ‘okay’

How do you do it? How did you do it?

I always joke like nobody works harder than me. I know it's crazy but whatever, and my friends say it alot; ‘I don’t know how you go so hard.’ But like I don’t know, it feels so good. I wake up in the morning and it's just..me. Everything that I do during the day that feeds into my dream or the people around me and seeing them.

During this transition in your life, who were the most important figures to support you?

Of course my mom, she's been the biggest support buying me camera equipment and stuff. Like years ago when I first got started, friends who were like ‘You really have something you should really keep doing this.’ Just family in general I feel like I’ve had the dopest support system.

You’re very transparent on your Instagram about mental illness. At what point during this entire process did mental illness come into play and were you aware of it?

In August of 2017 I had this really, really bad low where I hadn't been doing anything with the camera for a couple of years. Then one day, a friend called me and was like ‘I just picked up a new camera, can you show me some stuff?’ So hesitantly, I agreed. I started taking pictures and it just felt great.

I’ve always been a writer. I’m probably more passionate about writing than photography. So I just wrote out some things I was feeling that day, put it up and the response was amazing. People were like ‘I feel that way too and I’m like ‘Alright maybe this is like a good outlet like I feel a little bit lighter, I don’t feel as sad as I did before. And at that point was when I started writing out all of my feelings with photos and captions.

That’s one of the things that makes you so unique on Instagram. You're not just posting that photo. Your caption is everything.

Sometimes I don't even care about the image. I just gotta put something up so people see a photo and then read what I really have to say. I noticed the more I talked about everything, I felt so much better and don't have to keep everything inside. I grew up in a pretty religious family; My dad was a pastor, mom’s a pastor, my oldest brother is a pastor, and I’m kinda like the ‘out of the way’ kid. Talking about mental health and dealing with mental health when you come from a church background is not always the easiest because it’s like ‘you gotta pray about it’ and I’m like ‘that's not working”

When you approach mental health issues, do you personally think it's different in the black community?

Oh 110%! When I was about 16, I got introduced to really bad anxiety after deaths of really close family members, and ultimately my dad when I was 17. All of these things were going on in my head, and I honestly didn’t know how to deal with them.

I was trying to reach out and people were like ‘Yo black people don’t deal with that stuff. We’re stronger than that. You’re doing stuff that’s not black.’ It was crazy.

I actually have these scars down my arm, from when I was in high school and I used to cut myself.. I remember I hated it. I would always wear long sleeves because I'm not trying to show people this. When my friends found out they were like ‘Yooo black people don’t do this.’ Which was really hard to absorb because...this is me, I’m crying out for help.

Thankfully my mom ended up taking me to a therapist at 17, and that introduced me to that world. If I didn't have that outlet, I have no idea where I would be.

That was when I actually learned that there are people you can talk to without them throwing their ideas at you. For me, coming from a church home, the weight of ‘you don't have enough faith, that's why you’re sad’ takes a toll when you feel inside that something else is truly at play.

What advice would you give to someone who is going through some of the things you’ve been through?

I’m huge on people seeking out help. Therapy is the greatest thing that has ever happened to my life...like ever. It’s like a hamster wheel if you don’t seek help, if you don't have someone to talk to who really knows how to deal with everything that’s going on in your head. And even stuff you don't know you’re dealing with.

So what’s next? Where do you see yourself career wise, and personally?

I’m on cloud 9 right now, to be honest. Life is ridiculous. I’m blown away. This year especially.

Let's talk about this year, 2020. When you look around and you see COVID, the BLM movement, and the protests that are happening in the black community, how are you feeling?

So I used to be a pessimist when it came to racial issues in the country because I’ve heard my grandparents talk about it, my parents talk about it, my brothers talk about it. Now I’m talking about it, so I would be like ‘there’s no hope.’

And then in the last few months I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ve never seen anything like this. It’s bittersweet. It exists, but it hasn't been as hard to navigate as past times because the unity is nuts right now. I have days where I feel weighed down or bad, but overall it feels really good right now. It feels like people genuinely care and there's genuinely a moment for change everywhere. I believe it’s here now

What do you think the most important thing to come of all of this is?

I’ve had the most amazing conversations with people in the last 2 months. Like mind-blowing. There’s actually someone who we used to get into these little political debates in the DMs. After a couple days protesting I got this message from him: “Yo man I apologize for seeing things this way, everything’s been so eye-opening.”

I’m like ‘Man, if this is happening on this level, I’m sure that it’s happening on a grand scale with other people.’ I think that those conversations are happening amongst everybody across the country, people who didn't care before or just didn't understand. I don't think it’s that people don’t want to know. People just live their lives not knowing. ‘It doesn't matter, it doesn't affect me, it doesn't bother me.’ Now those people are saying ‘Yo I didn't know this was happening.’ So they're having those conversations and I feel like people are joining together. It’s kind of the hopeful piece of everything.

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